Parenting isn’t easy. When I was young, naive and without children of my own I thought it was, I thought it was simple.Fast forward to today and after 14 years of marriage and three boys life looks a great deal different from my imaginings. The journey that has taken me to this point in my parenting was unpredictable and exciting. Parenting might not be easy, it certainly isn’t boring or dull.One of the best words to describe parenting is complicated. I use the word positively, but it is true, parenting is complicated at the best of times. As parents we struggle with what we want for ourselves (for our kids of course), what we want for our children, what the scriptures tell us about how to raise children, God’s deep desire for them, and what the world tells us we should be doing. Beyond what is in our minds and hearts and the expectations that God has for us as parents, our children have their own expectations for parents and needs from us.When I sit down and really think through what it is my kids really need from me I can count at least seven. These seven things are most definitely not the exhaustive list, in fact someone with far more experience and wisdom will be able to point out many more or be able to break them down into fewer. But in my mind these seven lay out a ground work for me to do the most important thing that God has tasked me with - raise his kids to love him.Without further ado, seven things a parent must do:
- Love God! When our kids experience their parents loving God they see us acting out our purpose in a world that struggles with meaning, they see us acting out obedience when everyone around them does things out of an obligation to selfishness and they see what it means to be in relationship with their own personal creator. Loving God gives our children the best of us because when we are loving God out of our humility (understanding our place before God) we are able to give love and understanding to our children.
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Love your spouse. One might think that this is an obvious requirement for strong family (they would be right) but neglect to understand why this is so important to our children. When our kids see us loving one another, especially as we see in Paul’s letters to Ephesians and Colossians - “as Christ loved the church” they sense and understand a familial security and an extraordinary peace in which to grow and develop in. Children need security and peaceful living with structure and love to develop and grow physically, emotionally and most importantly spiritually. When we love our spouse, that security becomes more evidenced and consistent.Loving our spouse as God would have us love one another also prepares our children to experience and share love with their own spouses that is healthy and biblical. Let’s commit to being the example of the love we hope that they find in their own marital relationships in their futures.
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Unconditionally love your children. I hope that we all love our children, and if you take the time to read this you probably already love your children unconditionally. I am not suggesting that we don’t. But I often see parents (and I have wrestled with this myself) who build relationships with their kids around a transactional give and take instead of relational love. Obedience is important, very important, but what I have had to learn is that the end game is often more important than the immediate drama and choosing my battles is necessary. There have been times when the expectation of obedience doesn’t match my end game. Unconditional love does not expect perfection, it relentlessly strives to express grace in brokenness.
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Play! I was told once that my sons would want me to play games and activities with me for a very short time and then I would “be on ignore”. The truth is, parents put themselves on ignore far too soon and establish a pattern of watching instead of involvement with our kids. I am not an all-star athlete but I want to skate with my sons as often as I am able; I want to get down on the floor and play legos and build forts in the basement. We teach so much through play. We teach process, ethics and morality, team, innovation and support. We also teach our kids that what they are involved in matters to us. So play. Play hard and play long and never stop.
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Exemplify life and relationship. We live in a world that segregates us from our children at every turn. Our children spend more time with teachers and educators in their schools than they do with us. Even when we connect at church or other community events children and adults tend to have age specific opportunities for learning and activities. As parents we need to fight against the cultural barriers that segregate and focus our attention on building bridges that help us live our lives in front of and with our kids. Our children need to see their parents live life in front of them to learn and see ethics, morality, and integrity modelled before them. One of the greatest gifts that we can give our children is a model to follow. Let’s just be clear, not one of us is perfect, in fact we are all fallen and broken. If what is stopping you or I from being an example for our kids is our failures we are missing the point. The modelling, the example that we are setting in life and relationship is both how we as parents do things well and how we handle failures, struggles, and our own brokenness. Living out loud is important and necessary - being vocal and intentional about sharing our experiences and exemplifying gospel living before our kids.
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Create! Parents, we have so many opportunities to invest in the imaginations of our children. We were designed to be creative, to express ourselves in art and language, business and culture. Teach, train and exemplify creative thinking. Design and build, paint and sculpt, write and dream with our kids. See the imaginations of our children come alive with the incredible possibilities that God has given them. Parents need to share the wonder and joy of creating with their kids.
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Lead with Integrity. Parents, we need to be sure that we are exemplify integrity, and leading from the front not from behind a television or iPhone screen. Leading with integrity meanings challenging and building our kids into young men and women of honesty and strength, character and values. It means acknowledging our failures and mistakes and asking for forgiveness. Being real with our kids and our families and leading through our brokenness. It means standing firm in our commitments and fighting for truth, not compromising.
These are seven things parents must do. What else is in your tool belt parents?
