I dropped my kids off at school today. It was a really hard drop off. It was the first of 2020.For many reasons it was difficult: they have only been attending the school for a month and it still feels really new, the environment is different from what they have experienced in the past and change is always hard, and we have had a wonderful couple of weeks together as a family and beginning again having days away from one another is initially hard.Like so many families, we have gone through changes in the past year. 2019 brought significant alterations to the way we live and the places we call home. Any change after a big move can be hard. I can see that the change is hard on the kids, hard on my wife and it's hard on me too.Dropping off the kids was hard today. Every little thing made it more difficult. The hardest part was not catching my youngest son before he went into his classroom. I so desperately wanted to give him a hug, I wanted to whisper into his ear that I loved him one more time before I let him go and begin his day with his new friends. The new teacher was hurriedly trying to get the class down for assembly and parents weren’t able to visit with their kids and my heart broke a little. I wanted to give him one more hug…not really for him, for me.I was reminded, even as my heart still hurt, that my kids weren’t mine. They don’t belong to me and there is one that loves them even more than I do.A still small voice whispered into my ear, a father, my father reached into my very heart and comforted me. He embraced me after he ran to me this morning in my brokenness and whispered into my ear that he loved me. That I would be okay. My father, my eternal daddy who loves me, cares about me and holds me so tight hugs me and whispers into my ear that everything is going to be okay.You see, I was reminded that the three beautiful boys that run through my home, that make me a dad, that can wrestle me down to the ground with hugs and tickles are children of God - they are his first. He is first.I think of Abraham often when he took the journey with Isaac up a mountain to sacrifice. I think of the love that Abraham had for Isaac. I think of the struggle that must have been in Abraham’s heart as he followed the voice of God. I think of the pain that Abraham must have felt as God redirected his attention and passion to him rather than the gifts that come from him. I think of how hard it must have been to relinquish control and be reminded that everything belongs first to God, that even our children are gifts from God and belong to him first.On a day like today, with tears in my eyes I am reminded of a few things:
- God is in control not me.
- My job is to trust him.
- Everything, even my children are temporal gifts that are eternally his.
- The love that I have for my boys is paled in comparison to the great love that God has for them.
- It’s okay to feel and work through the pain of sanctification (cause today I am).
It’s Monday and dropping off the kids was hard but my father in heaven, the God who created everything I see (and everything I can’t), the very one that sent his only son to die for me and had the power to rise him from the dead loves me and has my boys in his hands.I don’t need to have it all together today because I know God does. I can trust in that, because I trust him.
